Overcoming the Cycle of Blame After Trauma: A Life Coach’s Unfiltered Story
- thewayofthewiseowl
- Oct 20
- 3 min read
Let’s get real about something most people avoid: the cycle of blame that comes after trauma. If you’re living with or loving a veteran who’s fighting invisible battles, you know exactly what I mean.
I don’t just talk about this—I live it. I’m a life coach, but first, I’m the wife of a disabled veteran. My husband’s wounds don’t always show. PTSD. Anxiety. Depression. Chronic pain. We fight these battles in silence, behind closed doors, while the world sees our brave faces. This is my truth. Maybe it’s yours, too.
The Blame Game: How Trauma Twists Our Minds
Trauma doesn’t just mess with your mind or body. It rips through your relationships, warps how you see yourself, and breeds blame. You blame yourself for not being enough. You blame your partner for changing. You blame the world for never getting it.
I’ve felt it all. The resentment. The guilt for wishing things were different. The anger at myself for not being the perfect wife or coach. My husband fights his own battles: shame over what he can’t control, his triggers, his moods, his pain.
Breaking the Silence: Naming the Shame
Blame grows in silence. The only way to break it is to call it out. I had to get honest with myself and with my husband. I admitted I was angry, scared, and grieving the life we lost. He admitted his guilt and his fear of being a burden. Honesty was the first step in taking our power back.
Life Coaching Tool #1: Radical Honesty
Find a safe space. A journal. A trusted friend. A therapist. Somewhere, you can name your feelings without holding back.
Say it out loud: “I am angry.” “I feel hopeless.” “I blame myself.”
Let’s get this straight: Admitting how you feel isn’t weakness. It’s the first step to healing.
Understanding the Cycle
Blame after trauma is a vicious loop. Pain feeds blame. Blame feeds isolation. Isolation brings more pain. You have to break the cycle on purpose. It won’t break itself.
Life Coaching Tool #2: Interrupt the Loop
Notice when blame shows up. Is it directed at yourself? Your partner? The world?
Pause. Breathe. Stop what you’re doing, take three deep breaths, and ground yourself right here, right now.
Ask yourself: What am I really feeling? That pause is your power move. It breaks the spiral and gives you a shot at choosing something different.
Mindset Shift: From Blame to Compassion
Blame is just a shield. Underneath it? Pain. Fear. The need to be understood. Shift from blame to compassion—start with yourself, then your loved one—and watch everything change.
Life Coaching Tool #3: Self-Compassion Ritual
When you catch yourself blaming, put your hand on your heart. Say it out loud: This is hard. None of this is your fault. Your pain is real. Your effort counts. Our effort matters.
Step-by-Step Strategy for Healing Together
Communicate openly. Share your feelings without blaming or judging. Use “I” statements. Listen, even when it stings.
Set boundaries. Protect your energy. It’s not just okay to say no or not now—it’s necessary.
Ask for support. You’re not meant to do this alone. Therapy, coaching, support groups—they all count.
Celebrate the small wins. Healing isn’t a straight line. Some days, just getting out of bed is a victory. Own it.
Every time I share our story, someone whispers, Me too. There’s no shame in struggling. The bravest thing you can do is speak up, call out the blame, and choose compassion—again and again.
If you’re stuck in blame, listen up. This is not your fault. You’re stronger than you think. Healing is possible. Your story matters. Your love matters. You’re not as alone as you feel.
Let me ask you: When was the last time someone really saw you? Not just the mask, but the raw courage it takes to keep going when nobody else gets it.
If you feel unseen or unheard, hear this: You matter. You don’t have to walk this path alone.
Every life coaching session I offer is free. My work is nonprofit because I believe everyone deserves support, no matter what. If you’re ready for change, book a session with me. No strings. If you just need someone to listen, reach out. Sometimes, that’s the first step.
Connect with me for ongoing support, inspiration, and honest conversations:
- Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/thewayofthewiseowl/
Share your story. Follow along. Or just say hello. You never know who needs to hear they’re not alone.
Ready for the next step? Reach out. Reflect. Share this with someone who needs hope. Your healing matters. You’re stronger than you think.
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