A Love Letter to My Younger Self — From a Wife and Life Coach

Disclaimer:

I’m not a mental health professional. I’m a wife of a disabled veteran. I’m a life coach who’s walked through fire beside the man I love. What you’re about to read is raw, personal, and real—because it needs to be.

When I married my husband, I thought I was prepared for anything.  I believed that love was enough to carry us through whatever storms life had planned.  What I didn't realize at the time was that PTSD isn't a storm you weather once—it's more like a shifting tide. Some days are calm; others crash over your head.

I wasn't just marrying the man I loved. I was marrying his past, his pain, and the invisible scars that would shape both of our futures.

Now, as the wife of a disabled veteran and a life coach for other women walking this same path, I look back and realize there were some things I wish I had known. Not to scare myself off but to be better prepared, more grounded, and less alone.

So, here's my letter to my younger self—and to you, if you're loving someone with PTSD.

1. You're Not Crazy—PTSD Really Can Change a Person

PTSD affects how your partner thinks, feels, reacts, and connects. It's not your imagination that he's different after deployment. Trauma alters the brain, rewires responses, and sometimes disconnects emotions. He still loves you. However, he may struggle to express it in the ways you're accustomed to. That shift can feel personal—but it's a neurological phenomenon.

2. It's Okay to Mourn the Relationship You Thought You'd Have

You'll miss the carefree moments, the emotional availability, and the peace you assumed came with marriage. Grieving what you thought your relationship would look like is natural. And it doesn't mean you've given up—it means you're brave enough to accept reality and rebuild.

3. You Will Need Support Too

You can't carry this alone. Caring for a disabled veteran who has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) can be an unanticipated burden, and it can cause spouses to lose touch with who they are. Support groups, coaches, journals, and therapy are not extras; they are necessities.

4. Boundaries Are Loving, Not Cruel

You are not weak or selfish in setting limits. Boundaries protect you both—they keep you from burning out and them from spiraling out of control without accountability. Learning how to say, "I love you, but I won't accept being yelled at," is vital.

5. There Will Be Triggers—Know What They Are

It might be a smell, a loud bang, a crowded room. Learn what sends your partner into fight-or-flight mode. Then, work together to create a plan. Predictability is comforting to a nervous system that is constantly on high alert.

6. Intimacy Might Look Different—And That's Okay

Physical touch may become rare. Eye contact might feel strained. But intimacy can be redefined. Sometimes, it's in the way you hold hands during a panic attack or the trust built during a shared silence. Don't base your love on big romantic gestures; instead, look for small things that will last.

7. Communication Must Be Intentional

When PTSD comes into a marriage, the way people talk to each other needs to change. Yelling doesn't help. Neither does silence. Learn how to speak in a calm, clear, and caring way. Say things like "I feel." Check in on them often. When you ask questions, do so out of curiosity, not to criticize.

8. You'll Learn to Love in Layers

You'll love the man he was. The man he is now. And sometimes the man he's fighting to be. PTSD can create layers of distance, but it can also reveal layers of strength—in both of you. Your love story may be unconventional, but it will be resilient.

9. Healing Is Possible—But It's Not Linear

Some days will feel like breakthroughs. Others will feel like breakdowns. Healing is a journey, not a finish line. Celebrate small wins. Progress looks like one less outburst, one more hug, one peaceful night of sleep.

10. You're Not Alone—and You Never Have to Be

Among women who identify as such, there is a tacit unity. Husbands. Defenders. Mediators. Even when everyone else is blind, we can still see each other. My entire life's work has been devoted to empowering other women to realize their full potential, so that they too can live the life of their dreams.

 ✨ Final Thoughts

Despite the challenges, it is possible to love someone who has post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Being knowledgeable, patient, kind, and strong are necessary.  Remember, do not hesitate to seek assistance if you need it. Helping other people should not come at the expense of your own well-being. Above all else, remember that you are never alone in this.

No, you aren't.

💬 Let's Talk

Do you need someone to talk to who truly understands?

 I offer complimentary, one-on-one coaching sessions for spouses and partners of disabled veterans.

💖Book your session here

If you or your partner are in a mental health crisis:

🚨 Call the VA Crisis Line at 1-800-273-8255 (Press 1)

📌 Share Your Story

Have you been walking this path as well?

 Please drop a comment, email me, or join our private community for wives of veterans.

 Let's rise stronger—together.

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Helping you heal so your love can grow—no matter the battle you're facing.